Rape jokes: Let's not make them common, please!

I know that the title above may have repulsed many and most of the men would have passed over this blogpost thinking that this is just another feminist rant. After all, we have so many articles all over the internet elucidating the need of feminism, then why to bother yourself with another one?

There are moments when I come across certain type of people and I feel sorry. I feel sorry not for themselves, but for the society and for the people around them. This is one such moment. I choose to maintain an arm's length from bigots who have no respect for women and their issues, but I still get mired in these circumstances where I have to face these people, specially men, who think that a woman's cause is NO cause!  To the disillusioned, the society is utopian and all the women related issues are completely made up.

I've heard so many men echoing the same thing:  "Not all men rape. I have never thought of raping a woman. A woman can feel safe with me." But, can I feel safe with you if you think that only rape is an issue, and anything less than that is acceptable? 

This post is inspired by a recent anecdote of my friend, where she was mocked by her social circle for being too concerned about her safety. She took the permission from her friends to leave a gathering at 5.30 PM, because she had to drive back home for an hour and a half. For those who live in Delhi, you know that be it 7PM or 7AM, it's never safe for women. The screenshot below would give a better picture.

Her peers tried to make her stay, but she politely refused. Grumbled by her adamancy, a man in her group exclaimed "it's just 5.30. KAUNSA RAPE HOJAEGA" (it's just 5.30. You're not going to get raped). Everyone joined in for a laughter on this "joke". "Arey kya urgency hai, mein bhi toh ruki hu" (what's the urgency, even I am here), said her another female friend. She was startled, and she quietly left the place without any retort. Their laughter reminded her that it's not just one man or woman who thinks like that, maybe, it's the whole society. 

Do you also find it funny? 

I sometimes wonder why only rapes are taken seriously. Do women need to get raped to make their point?

Women have been taught to adjust. No one can play down the amount of work women are capable to take upon themselves: if you have seen your mother working, you might know what female strength I'm talking about. Before you jump into a conclusion, there's no MAN vs WOMAN comparison that I'm making: the fact being stressed, is that a woman can unquestionably adjust and manage things beyond their capacity. She can adjust to stay late in circumstances when required and she will push her boundaries to go out of her comfort zone and to get the task at hand completed, but, would you assure her safety?

I remember another such anecdote.

Imagine this: An evening of 8 PM in a fairly crowded place of a metro city such as Delhi. A young woman is waiting for her brother to receive her. She thought it's safe and it won't harm waiting for a few minutes, unless, a random guy who is covering his face with a helmet, tries to grope her at her waist. She pushes him aside, but he forces, which ultimately tears her kurti (from her waist). Everyone saw this, but no one came to her help. The woman was left in tears and she ran to her brother when he arrived. The person in the helmet had left by then. The woman cried until midnight.

The woman described above is me. 

To the woman reading this: I know most of you have been through a similar experience.

To the insensitive people who make "rape jokes" and who are reading this: yes, I wasn't raped. But, the moment has left a mental scar which exists even today. The wound has filled up, but it sometimes gets triggered in small day to day activities: when I am out buying grocery, I am conscious if someone might grope me again. When I am driving and I lose my way, it triggers me that I might end up getting attention of molesters. I might ignore the men who are cat-calling me when I am walking on the road, and I might behave as if I am unmoved, that I can beat them down. But deep inside it scares me to think: "what if he gropes me". 

What do women who have faced such scathing experiences expect from this society? Not much. A little bit of empathy and a decency for adjustment. Most importantly, to not ridicule issues of women. They're genuine. For better clarity, ask your mother, she would have more stories to tell from her experiences as well. 

The moral science classes in our schools was an excellent attempt to make us perfect human beings, but has it worked? The "rape jokes", which keep coming back in one form or the other, show a different picture.

Am I wrong to be triggered by the "rape jokes" or am I really missing out on some humour?

RIDING THROUGH THE HIGHS AND LOWS.

I won't be lying if I say that I have been a little lost.

A 25 year old me disdained the people for their lack of interest in learning new things in life, so, this was difficult for me to confess. A part of me is twitching right now for putting it out in public. A part of me regrets for not living up to the expectations that I had set for myself previously.

It wasn't always like this.There was a time when something as mundane as Instagram gave me a purpose to live my life to the fullest. Hailing from a generation which texted on QWERTY mobiles and took four clicks on button to type a digit (remember the sequence? "abcd1")], it was a different world to me which made me see the things I am yet to do in life. I remember scrolling through the feed and stumbling upon to see posts of the new, western form of yoga. Yoga never looked so cool before this. Inspired, I started doing yoga by myself, learning all the yoga postures from Instagram. I never took any yoga class in the process, instead, I chose the longer route of doing mistakes and learning from them. It wasn't the best way to learn, but I enjoyed the process. You never know how time flies by when you enjoy something so much. The journey towards learning is quite underrated. I can now get into postures that look like acrobatics to some, such as the following:

 

"Wow Shreya, you are so good at it now. You are strong and confident. Not many people can do yoga like this. " : I said to myself. I was enjoying this process of self discovery.

Meanwhile, I also picked up learning to play ukulele. It was intimidating at first, as I already had a failed experience with guitar. I wanted to sing songs without requesting someone to give the music for me. This little thought in itself was so self liberating. I was super proud of myself.

A little later, I took up running. A 7-8 km of running almost everyday for a month which culminated into a 21km long marathon and in which I managed to secure second spot. For someone who had prior experience to run in any marathon, it may not have been the best decision to participate in the half marathon straight away without training and strategy. I remember being sick for a week after the run, but deep inside I was happy to prove myself that "I can do anything" and that I would never stop learning in life. It was an all time high- moment in my life.

Fast forward to 2020, the year of pandemic where we were confined in our home. I started drawing and coloring using oil pastels. This was a very short stint and ended with this piece:

                                             

Anyway, one might think that there is nothing big about doing yoga or playing ukulele, then why am I writing about it? Relax, for I am not a yoga trainer nor am I a music trainer advertising  myself. 

To conclude, I always tried to be as productive as I can in my own small ways and I had some achievements in my pocket to make myself happy. Each time I learnt something new, the achiever in me swelled up.

The year 2020 was a trough in my wave of happiness. When I look back, I regret. I regret for not utilizing my potential to learn something new, not being inspired enough to fix PCOS, not volunteering for social causes and not making a final call on career. A part of me was fully convinced at one time to "settle" in an arranged marriage to bring some happiness and change in life. Don't guffaw, I realize it was very foolish of me. 

As I write this post, I am reminiscent of the mistakes that I made. I am not very proud, but I guess that's a part of learning: some just fall, while some fall to break their nose. The latter learns more and always remembers to save their nose first the next time he falls. 

In the upcoming days, you will see me writing more. I fell on my nose and this is a small attempt to fix things. Wish me best of luck!